Dear Reader,
Hello again! Sorry it's been so long since we last "spoke." Time just kind of got away from me.
Sometimes I feel like medical school straight up steals all of my time. I mean, it even invades my sleep and causes me to dream about EKGs and what imaging study should be ordered when and why. But, if I'm going to be honest with you and with myself, medical school really hasn't stolen anything from me. No, everything I've given and everything I will one day be called upon to give to it, I give freely and willingly. Although it took me a while to realize that.
In fact, a few weeks ago I had a dream that our high-heeled-wearing block director was keeping me and a handful of my female classmates locked in the dungeon of her castle. For those of you who aren't a student here with me, "the dungeon" is what we lovingly call the area in the basement of the school of medicine where our small group labs are located our M1 year. There are no windows, the lighting is terrible, the heating/cooling doesn't always work, and some nights when you're studying, a cockroach is your only companion. (Now do you see why we call it "the dungeon?")
In the dream, though, our professor kept each of us in a separate, tiny room and fed us blue mush three times a day through a small hole in the door to our cell. (One girl painted a mural with her mush because she refused to eat it.) Occasionally, our professor would let us out to clean the dungeon, and one day, when she put me back in my cell, she was in a hurry and forgot to lock the door. After she left, I slipped out of my cell and freed my classmates. As we crept through the castle, several guards saw us and forced us to stop by threatening to shoot us with their crossbows. It turned out the guards were M3s and M4s and initially they wanted to escort us back to the dungeon. They said that they had had to serve their time in the dungeon and that we should have to do the same. Being the fearless and charismatic leader that I was in my dream, I convinced the guards that it wasn't necessary for us to suffer just because they had. And, in the end, they let us go.
Unfortunately I woke up before we made it out of the castle, so I don't know how the story ends. In any event, as I prepared to go to school, my first thought was, "Could my subconscious have been any less subtle?!?" Recently I had begun to feel somewhat trapped by medical school. On days when I wanted to hang out with my friends, I had to go to class. At night, I wanted to be able to go on a date with my boyfriend or go take a dance class, but instead I had to study. I wanted to travel, but I couldn't get away for more than two or three days at a time. In short, it seemed like there was no way to escape even for long enough to do the things I wanted to do without risking failing medical school.
I think I kind of hit rock bottom after talking to some of my friends who aren't in medical school. When they get done with work, they're free to do anything they want. They can make dinner every night with their significant other. They can stay at home and rest for as long as they need to when they get sick. They can spend a nice Saturday at the park or botanical gardens or the zoo. As I talked to them, it hit me that I was more than a little jealous of their lives. And one night, when I was by myself, I found myself once again crying because of medical school.
Now, you're probably thinking to yourself something along the lines of, "Geez, this girl sure does cry a lot...in one blog she said med school makes her cry all the time...in another she had a dream where she cried because she was trapped in a tower...in another she was on the verge of crying. Why doesn't she just quit medical school and be done with all the crying?"
Well, in response to your question, I must say that the thought of dropping out of medical school has crossed my mind. I may have even toyed with the idea of drafting a letter of resignation so I had one handy in case I ever decided to go through with it. However, like I said once before, when I really get to thinking about it and so long as I keep the long-term in mind, there isn't anywhere else I'd rather be.
Yes, medical school may frequently feel like torture right now, but in a few years, everyday I'll have the privilege of working with complete strangers who will trust me completely with their lives and their darkest secrets. I'll have the opportunity to positively impact their lives, not only by providing them with the best possible medical care for physical ailments, but also by providing comfort to those who suffer from non-physical problems and helping to ease their pain during the trying times. And how many people can say that they get to do that?
It would be nice if med school were a little less stressful, but I am determined, more than ever before, to do whatever it takes to become a doctor. And so I will willingly serve out my time in the metaphorical dungeon. Granted, there will be days (probably lots of them), when I will complain and when I will once again wonder if I should just go ahead and give up and run far, far away from med school, but I won't ever do that. No, one day, I will put on that long white coat and in that moment all my time spent down in the dungeon will have been worth it.
With that, I'll leave you with a couple of my favorite inspirational quotes.
"One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it." -- Sidney Howard
"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." --Arnold H. Glasow
"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher." --Thomas Henry Huxley
